Maybe you think, “my life isn’t perfect, but whose is? I’m managing as well as anyone.” Too many people, carry a load of remorse, wishing they had done things differently.
Coaching businessmen and entrepreneurs, I have found the most painful of lessons is that of regret.
Regret defined is to “feel disappointment over something that happened.”
I would argue it’s more severe, altering our lives for the worse, as we struggle to cope with mistakes, which often cannot be undone.
Let’s examine some outcomes of failing to act when challenged.
Decisions come with consequences, many of which show up later in life. Companies such as 23andMe allow us to learn more about our DNA but occasionally, information revealed is less than desirable.
A man has sex at his bachelor party, a week before his wedding, fathering a child unaware. Years later, a sibling shows up whose birth date reveals untold truths. Sometimes exposure occurs after dad has passed. Poor judgement isn’t a legacy anyone hopes to leave behind.
SELF
The martyr’s approach goes something like this, “I don’t have time to invest in friendships or hobbies. Time spent in the company of other men comes at my family’s expense.” Sacrificing our interests continuously causes us to wake up wondering who we are.
I gave up golf. I stopped investing in friendships. This created a void leaving me empty, angry, and at times depressed.
When my marriage was failing, I lacked a brotherhood to help assess my circumstances with clarity.
I didn’t like myself and it wasn’t serving my family’s best interests.
HEALTH, PHYSICAL
Our excuses for not exercising are concrete. “I must be at work early. I am too busy with the kids and I need to get home. I’m too tired and need sleep.”
When you return home after a long work day, what is your energy level like? Are you so tired, you have to sit or lie down? How’s your sex life? Do you have the stamina to keep up or are you so out of shape, you’re unable to continue through 15 minutes of intense love making?
When was the last time you played with the kids? Can you jump on the trampoline with your children for 30 minutes? How about a game of tag or teaching your son or daughter to ride a bike?
HEALTH, FUEL
A quick scan through social media on Father’s Day reminds us of the consequences of poor eating habits. Notice all the children commenting about their fathers who passed away too soon.
Ask a daughter who lost her daddy early in life what she wants more than anything, and the response is always the same — more time. Money, material possessions and accomplishments are all insignificant without our health.
FAMILY
The most regrettable grief involves those closest to us, family who pass while no one’s speaking, kids turning to drugs or sex to compensate for a father’s neglect or a dad who terminates communication with offspring because of something said. Few things are worse than burying our child or the roller-coaster-ride of drug addiction.
From the time our children are born until they leave home, we have a limited window of influence, an opportunity to shape our children into adults with values, integrity and love; all parents of grown children, comment through reflection, “the time goes so fast and once gone, it’s gone forever.”
Some fathers take a job out of state or in another country, pursuing an opportunity they cannot pass up, arguing it’s about supporting the family’s lifestyle.
Macao is full of foreigners holding prominent, senior executive roles for multinational corporations whose families reside elsewhere. Children attend boarding school halfway around the world or are raised by someone else because their dad is unavailable.
From a child’s perspective, the excuse doesn’t matter, the effect is the same.
MARRIAGE
In a home with young children present, the responsibility is never ending; buried in laundry, cooking, tidying up, cleaning and transporting; tasks are endless and often monotonous.
Too busy, I forgot to ask my wife what she needed. With so much to do, I thought, “I know what needs to be done.” We were both overwhelmed and working hard.
Friday evening, after a week by herself in the house alone with the kids, my wife needed me to make time for us, to enjoy the company of another adult interested in her. This is how she needed to be loved and for me to demonstrate I cared.
TRADE
Ask a workaholic how he prioritizes life and most won’t admit placing work before family, marriage, health and everything else meaningful. A quick review of his calendar or a chat with his family indicates otherwise.
A man at our club, in his early thirties, drinks nightly at the bar. His father passed away leaving more money than memories. One night he shared this with me, “I never knew my father. He was important in his field, made a good deal of money but was too busy for me or my mom.” I didn’t know his father either but I can assure you his son’s memory was never the legacy his father intended.
When working late, busy growing your business and you phone your spouse, “honey, I’m going to be late again tonight, I have to bla, bla, bla.” Most likely, your work will take precedence. Your family wants to understand and be accommodating. Your spouse too knows how critical your work is.
Overtime, if this becomes the norm, in your absence, your spouse and children will develop other interests until one day they’ve constructed an entire life without requiring or expecting your involvement.
I work with accomplished individuals, exploring their lives, reviewing mistakes, challenges as well as accomplishments. Financially successful men often harbor regrets about mistakes made with their children; challenges they thought would settle with time yet never did.
Examine your life priorities. Are you away from home more than 30 percent of the time, regardless of reason? Do you routinely miss school events involving your children? Does your wife complain of raising the children on her own? Is your housekeeper/nanny closer to your children than you? Living to make money as your first priority, only to have your marriage end in divorce, requiring you to hand over half of your net worth is short-sighted.
Learning about my work with men, wives frequently approach me about their workaholic husbands, seeking assistance before filing for divorce.
If you want to understand a person’s priorities, observe how they apportion time. Time is precious because we are all running out of it. You can always make more money, but you can’t reclaim lost time. Love is expressed in how we allot our time. What is vital to us is measured by the time we invest. The more invested, the greater the value.
Your children will miss you and it’s highly likely as adults, they’ll spend considerable time sorting through the void left in your absence.
Forget about asking for forgiveness later in life, lacking childhood memories to facilitate a connection, they might not be interested enough to bother.
If you ask someone what their priorities are, no one puts family and health towards the end of their list. Yet this is what we do when we decide we are too busy to exercise or eat together as a family.
Money isn’t important to children as long as their needs are met. However, children care if you’re not around to watch them perform in school plays, throw a ball or be available.
Children aren’t a distraction from more important work, they are the important work.
These stories are far too common. The real tragedy — it’s preventable.
If we’re not present for our family and children, we may find ourselves waking up to a wife who’s quitting on marriage and insecure daughters turning to other men for love and validation. Our sons, desperate for our love, doing drugs to numb the neglect.
Men, this is what’s at stake.
Those closest to us don’t care about our reasons, the effect is the same. This isn’t OK, and unless we work on fixing you, financial pain and pain in everything meaningful will result.
Unless your wealth is at the Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg foundation level, money isn’t your legacy; your children are. Prioritize accordingly.
The silver lining comes through understanding the mistakes of other men and avoiding the traps.
Men, these mistakes are all avoidable through making the right choices, when the opportunity presents itself.
Winning at life involves having as few regrets as possible. This is my goal for you.
Now, you have time and following these suggestions, success for you is waking up well into your 80s, ecstatic with how life unfolded and the decisions you made.
Stewart Roberts: Father, husband, entrepreneur, angel investor, guest lecturer, board member, volunteer. Stewart worked for Morgan Stanley in New York City, co-founded TIX China, a Shanghai-based trading company; studied at Harvard and served as Orange County President of Tech Coast Angels. He has guest lectured at both UCLA’s Anderson School and USC’s Marshall School of Business. For eight years he served as a CASA mentor. Today, he leads men through life’s transitions with books, boot-camps, masterminds and online courses.
