The model inherited from our fathers is dated, leaving us stuck. For success as a husband, parent and for self, men need an updated method appropriate for the 21st Century.
I’ve achieved my most meaningful accomplishments working together with others. The Chinese trading company I co-founded with my business partner and the children I’m raising together with my wife are both examples of this.
Life is richer when it’s shared and we function best in community. Despite this, men are challenged in developing meaningful relationships with other men.
There’s a set of unspoken rules governing interactions; you can hug but with an arm in-between, share a tent but not a bed, emotions are uncomfortable and vulnerability equals weakness.
Raised with a competitive mindset, winning at sports and with women amounts to a zero-sum game — our team won and yours lost. I date the prom queen and you don’t. We view the lives of others externally through their social media highlight real, assuming it’s superior to ours.
To avoid uncomfortable situations, conversations are kept superficial, talking about sports and sharing wins. Our ego replays our successes, in an environment where faults or challenges are viewed as weakness; this is a mistake. Gather a group of accomplished men and everyone in the room can learn from the weaknesses of one another.
Married men, busy making money and raising a family, lack a brotherhood and the gap goes unfulfilled. Insufficient time is spent in the company of other men learning.
This isn’t our fault; men were never taught how to honestly assess our lives, admit and overcome shortcomings, or share and connect with other men.
Owen Marcus states a credible case for the evolution of man in his TED talk, What 10,000 Years of Progress has Cost Men.
Raised by the extended community, we evolved into an agriculturally based society and then, 200 years ago, into the industrial age, when men left the farm for the factory.
Before labor laws, men worked seven days a week and women raised the children. The community was gone, along with the extended family and most regrettably, father’s influence.
Moms tried to fill the gap to the best of their ability, but lacking firsthand knowledge of what it means to be a man, they couldn’t fill the void left by an absent father.
Expecting a boy to learn about manhood from his mom is like expecting a basketball coach to teach football and vice versa; the coaches each understand team sports but too many details are misunderstood.
Boys are looking for a model for what it means to be a man and our choices are simplistic, less than appealing and don’t reflect today’s reality. We are left to choose between the hyper-sensitive, emasculated, nice guy or the hyper-masculine, macho, angry jerk.
Which one do you identify with? Better still, which one don’t you identify with? Neither is reflective of the majority of men today.
Older generations thrived within a brotherhood, spending time together, playing together and holding one another accountable; the brotherhood taught boys about masculinity.
Our fathers are our primary role models. As boys, we grew up seeing our fathers respected, given their space and in many instances, wanted to be just like them.
Dad came home at the end of a long day with his primary job done. The man of the house would often pour himself a drink, sit down in his chair, turn on the TV and catch up on news or sports while his wife prepared dinner.
Men of our dad’s generation didn’t understand how to connect with their wives on an emotional level nor was it expected. Emotional intimacy wasn’t a part of the vernacular. For most men, intimacy and sex were synonymous.
Moms didn’t expect anything more from their husbands. Dad provided, he worked hard, there was food on the table and a roof overhead.
Our parents grew up reminded by their parents and grandparents of a time when food was less plentiful; the Great Depression and World War was still fresh in relative’s childhood memories.
Parents lacking the creature comforts of today, wanted a better life; this meant one thing, better off financially. Most of our parents achieved this goal, the prosperous 80s economy helped. Men made more money than their dads did and met their family’s financial needs; a mortgage, two cars, a summer vacation, respectable clothes and the occasional luxury item for their wife.
Pursue a career became the mantra. MAKE MONEY and everything else will work itself out. This was considered the path to success. Our reasoning was simple; the more money I make, the better life is. Our parents achieved a higher living standard then their parents and we, expect to do the same.
Imagine our confusion then, when after we’ve grown up, achieved these expectations with our homes, global travel, and luxury cars, only to find things aren’t what we expected.
Many of us have a better life than we did growing up; we are providers, involved in our children’s lives, yet, our lives aren’t what we thought they would be. Of course, we are confused. This is a problem; we must update our understanding of value beyond the financial provider role.
Unsure how to approach this new paradigm and short on time, we suffer alone. Instead of prioritizing and learning, we shelve it, assuming we’re to have everything under control as if other men do and our fathers ever did.
Ignoring this challenge isn’t working. Tired of living this phony existence and keeping up the pretenses? Congratulations, so are many other accomplished men.
Ask yourself, what takes more courage: stubbornly standing your ground, pretending you have the answers or adopting a flexible, open-minded approach learning from others who, while accomplished are dealing with their own challenges?
The answer lies in community. Something powerful happens when high-achieving men gather to share successes and shortcomings; we grow.
In 2012, living in the Las Vegas suburbs, I lacked deep relationships which take years to build. My wife suggested, “why don’t you start a group?” She had a point. Graduate school taught me, when what’s needed doesn’t exist, create and then lead it.
With this in mind, I invited men I admired for their external accomplishments, but didn’t know well, over for dinner. I served drinks, a steak dinner and after socializing for the first hour, ask everyone to sit down and I opened with my agenda.
“You’re all leaders, people whom I admire. You exhibit impressive strengths in building businesses, leading your families and approaching life with an educated prospective. If we’re honest, there’s room for improvement. My hope is that you, like me, are looking for a new model; a way to be better, present, and connected.”
I shared the following, “my former approach to life has been ineffective on multiple fronts.” My marriage is in recovery and my health is undergoing an overhaul.” Acknowledging individual achievement, I then asked each man to spend 10–15 minutes sharing their story.
My idea resonated with the group and we began meeting monthly, taking turns hosting, discussing meaningful issues as leaders, fathers and as men. Over time, other’s joined in ages ranging from 30s through 70s.
Raj, is an Indian immigrant and tech entrepreneur, on his second startup. He and his wife also raise seven figures annually, funding school lunches in India for underprivileged children allowing them to attend school in need of a meal.
Marc, built, ran and sold, several community banks and owns part of a Napa winery. Warren, was a former Fortune 100 company CEO overseeing billions of monthly new loan origination. Greg, the Aussie, operated a micro-lending business in Latin America and Nick, built a company from its first employee to over 1000.
Each one of these men are successful on paper and within their communities; they too struggle. A nasty divorce cost one several hundred thousand dollars over four years.
Another, struggled in connecting with his wife whose every need was provided for yet she suffered from depression, leaving him questioning marriage. Several struggled with health issues due to poor eating habits. One’s son drug habit left him angry about what more he might have done.
Despite the differing backgrounds and occupations, one trait proved to be a commonality — while successful, we were missing key components of life we could no longer afford to neglect.
Men in their 60s and 70s shared wisdom for those in their 30s, 40s and 50s about mistakes made and how they would do things differently given the chance.
Those in peak physical condition shared dietary habits and physical regimens, helping others lose weight and stay fit. They shared their journey to lose 50 plus pounds, the positive health ramifications and additional life expectancy.
We changed our diets, dropped excess weight and in some instances, no longer require medication to manage cholesterol or blood pressure, medicines prescribed as a solution instead of the wake-up call they need to be.
Those divorced shared insight about mistakes, forgiveness and long-term perspectives after the dust settled. Burdened with guilt about children and ex-wives, men learn through sharing their challenges.
By working through it, they don’t let it rule their lives. The group origins were about connecting and building friendships. Overtime, the greatest benefit was learning and adopting an open-minded approach to transform lives.
I’m privileged to know some accomplished men who have built companies, left legacies and set examples for us to learn from. I have found high achieving men have a common trait, but it is one we are not recognized for or willing to elaborate on over dinner. Men who hold professional power are often impotent in other, core life areas.
Frequently we are alone, struggling with challenges, without anyone to confide in and learn from. We struggle with our health, in our marriage, raising children and with ourselves.
Through understanding this new model of masculinity, we learn how to connect beyond sports and accomplishment. This not only frees us but also the women in our lives. We all want to connect. Your wife, needs you to connect.
Pass on this opportunity and we are resigned to live with mediocre relationships. Get it right, and our sons grow up becoming men of the future whose emotional intelligence becomes a great asset, serving them, the family and marriage for life.
If you’re a father raising a son, I want him to know you, for you to be the role model he needs, to see you at your greatest. I want your daughters to grow up with a high sense of self-esteem, to understand what love is and how a beautiful relationship between men and women work.
This comes from making a deep connection. A deep connection only a multi-dimensional man can make.
We need a new model. The one we inherited isn’t working but the problem and solution lie with us. Truth and expression are the path to fulfillment, happiness, and success.
To experience life at a high level, requires surrounding ourselves with a healthy community of brothers, sharing our complex, multifaceted life without judgement.
Community is important. It’s about doing life together.
Stewart Roberts: Father, husband, entrepreneur, angel investor, guest lecturer, board member, volunteer. Stewart worked for Morgan Stanley in New York City, co-founded TIX China, a Shanghai-based trading company; studied at Harvard and served as Orange County President of Tech Coast Angels. He has guest lectured at both UCLA’s Anderson School and USC’s Marshall School of Business. For eight years he served as a CASA mentor. Today, he leads men through life’s transitions with books, boot-camps, masterminds and online courses.