Do you remember life as a child? New and thrilling, everything was an adventure and you, its most active participant. New experiences were abundant and the world seemed like this big mystery to be explored.
Think back to life’s major milestones, so many happen in our first 25 years.
Early in life we learn at a rapid rate, providing constant stimulation; how to walk, ride a bike, swim, and drive. We graduate from high school, became old enough to vote, drink alcohol, established independence away from home and fall in love, all for the first time.
As a new graduate, we’re optimistic about our future, which is validated through early promotions or perhaps a successful business launch. We work hard, apply ourselves and are rewarded for our efforts.
My first European trip, first Asian adventure and first love all happened in my 20s. At 21, I landed my first Wall Street job. I experienced this rush of excitement, the dream I had for so long, the path I wanted, was finally happening.
I was delivering on my goals and ambition and it felt great.
After busing tables through high school and running my own painting business during college summer breaks, I had finally joined the white-collar workforce.
My first Wall Street job legitimized all the tedious, labor-intensive work I experienced, proving that if we apply ourselves and pursue our passion, good things happen.
A few years later, immersed in my Shanghai-based start-up, capital was hard to come by; there was never enough to expand our office and invest in marketing. The revenue from landing a Sydney-based client covered our entire Shanghai office expense of some 30 employees, proved to be another validating milestone. It brought the legitimacy we needed, providing some breathing room to expand without growing payroll anxiety.
Each year held new adventures. Quarterly, I flew out of LAX to new destinations; Cairo, Paris, Sydney, and Rio. I was experiencing more of the world in a few years then I had in the previous 26.
Our 20s are a time in our lives to indulge, focusing on us. We’re building our career and making a name for ourselves.
We are winning.
Dating options, first-time life events, and extreme sports, all provided continual stimulation.
Marriage is somewhere in the future but there’s no rush. We develop this ideal understanding of the woman of our dreams. She’s physically attractive, who better to procreate beautiful children with, easy going, stimulating and allows us to lead.
We turn into habitual daters, after all, the divorce rate is 50 percent, why settle, she’ll need to be impressive for us to make a commitment with those odds.
We attend weddings. A common phrase heard from male friends, “I didn’t think I would marry this early but she’s ready and I can’t lose her”.
Or.
“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’re in love; it’s different for us.”
Friends who marry early disappear from our lives as their life takes on new meaning full of children, soccer matches and work, with little time left in their schedule for hanging out with the single crew on mid-week, late-night outings.
I remember visiting friends when we were engaged, cluelessly asking, “who does most of the cooking?” To which the wife responded, “cooking? I do food preparation and heating up. Cooking? That’s a big word.”
This conversation sunk in years later when we became new parents. Entertaining along with any cooking stopped after the kids arrived. We lacked the time or energy.
After marring and starting are own family, everything in my world slowed down. The children arrived, routine set in and the adventure — stopped.
Children crave routine; their bottles needed to be prepared, the milk warmed, diapers changed, we find ourselves at their disposal; the meals, the naps, the food…the monotony.
Exhausted meeting our little-one’s needs, my wife and I had no time for ourselves.
The thrilling world-travel stopped, first-time experiences stopped, even the sex stopped. I let my obligations take over. Unhappy and often angry, I became a different person, not myself. I was no longer interesting.
As we age, with so many of the first-time experiences behind us, the new and exciting stops happening. Days roll into months, months into years, and we find ourselves living a rather humdrum existence for our children, our partner, aging parents; the people we love and care for.
We sideline our needs because, well that’s what we think is expected of us; we’re now responsible and accountable.
Compared to our father’s generation, we consider ourselves way ahead on the home front. Where often, our father delegated all home responsibilities to mom; we, as fathers, are actively involved at home.
For those who crave adventure, this period of pregnancy and toddlers is a challenging one; we become disinterested, at times we check out.
Caught up in the day to day, we lose perspective, looking for ways to stimulate our interest.
Neglecting a spouse’s emotional and sexual needs, some have affairs. This is more common than we like to think; 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have consummated an extramarital affair. Not including sex, add another 20 percent to these numbers. In short, 45 percent of us are sleeping with or emotionally attached to someone outside marriage.
Going through the motions, leaves us feeling numb. At the office, we oversee employees, clients along with the litany of problems we’re expected to solve. You spend a disproportionate amount of time with people at work, sometimes for years and then, one day, we or they move on never to be heard from again.
At home, you seem even less important. Children progress from the all-consuming needs of the younger years to checking out with mobile devices as they grow.
You’re stuck, going through the motions without a clear vision or direction. Add to this growing burden parents passing, regrets piling up, possibly a divorce and the accompanied blended-family challenges.
Smothered in monotony and snuffed out with a blanket of responsibility, life’s excitement comes to a standstill.
The money comes in through electronic transfer and goes out through automatic bill pay. I never spent more in my life and saw none of it. My greatest contribution was on electronic autopilot.
For the first few years, overwhelmed, tired, busy meeting needs, together time with our spouse seems impractical. As children grow, reconnecting proves challenging. It’s easy to forgot how and to stop trying. At some point, you wake up, saddled with so much responsibility you’ve forgotten what’s enjoyable. Between your duties at work, home, with kids and to your spouse, there’s never enough time.
About this time in my life, a friend phoned mentioning bucket lists.
He said, “you know, the things you want to do and places to visit before you die?”
“Yes.” I said, “I’ve seen the movie.”
When I hung up, it hit me. I hadn’t had a bucket list in years. Following college, I wrote one with a goal to complete my list before age thirty. At the time, thirty seemed old and I felt determined to enter a new life chapter having lived.
An uncle close to me shared at 78 what he wanted to do but never got around to doing. When pressed for reasons, he said, “the years flew by, and I guess we just ran out of time.”
I never imagined finding myself in this position.
Trips to Africa, Cuba, Patagonia, and Mongolia were my proof of leading an interesting life.
But my conversation with my uncle troubled me. Over 78 years, he struggled to find the time to do so many things important to him.
Five years into starting a family left me empty on ideas. I sat my sorry-self down at my computer to write; overweight, out of shape, I couldn’t think of anything.
Embarrassingly, I had to Google it, reading about other people’s ideas before coming up with my own. What a reality check; I lost my way. I forgot how to live.
We’ve seen Rob Reiner’s Film, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman — two men facing death, traveling the world living out unforgettable encounters. The project, bucket list, lends itself to something we wait to think about until the final stage of our lives; this is a mistake.
A bucket list guides us to new experiences, self-defined as ones important to us. It’s a reminder, life is meant to be experienced, lived rather than just going through the motions.
I began my list with those experiences already completed. I made a list of top-30 adventures, all the places visited and adventures had. Next, I read from it, reminiscing and realized, there’s hope, I could be interesting again!
Experiences
1. Running with the bulls (Pamplona, Spain).
2. Bungee jump (Shanghai).
3. Hang gliding (Rio de Janeiro).
4. Skydiving (Santa Barbara).
5. Night dive with Manta Rays (Big Island, Hawaii).
6. Diving (Red Sea, France, Greece, Thailand).
7. Pet tiger, rode elephant (Thailand).
8. Fired machine gun (Cairo).
9. G6 Jet
10. Egypt, Luxor, Alexandria, Rode camel to Great Pyramids.
11. Lived abroad 2 years (Shanghai).
12. Road bareback (Mongolia).
13. Camel tour (Gobi Desert).
14. Yurt stay (North China).
15. Great Wall China.
16. Corcovado (Rio de Janeiro).
17. Michelin stared restaurant (Macao).
18. Hong Kong.
19. Cape Horn (Patagonia, Argentina).
20. Buenos Aires (Got Married).
21. Canyoning, repelling in Blue Mtn. (Sydney).
22. Cuba.
23. Brazil (Rio, Vitoria, Goiania, Brasilia).
24. Uruguay.
25. Chile (Santiago, Valparaiso).
26. Spain/Portugal (2 months).
27. Grand Canyon (22-mile hike).
28. Yosemite (Half-Dome hike).
29. Zion National Park.
I emailed close friends going through their own challenges.
“Here’s my list. Write yours.”
It was a call-to-action for the men I knew who were stuck — we used to be interesting and we have the potential to be so again.
No one plans to stop the fun, it just happens, almost as if it is a natural part of growing up and maturing. How ridiculous I sounded. With only one life to live, I was justifying not having fun?
Men, it’s not alright to lose your fun. Life isn’t boring but we become so.
Excitement doesn’t require waiting until children are older, work slows down or we find more time; start enjoying life now.
When this happens, here’s your action plan to reclaim it.
1. Write out your list of experiences had.
2. Write a new list of experiences and travel you will have.
Segment list according to family, marriage, self, business and giving.
Yes, there is the exotic travel to places like Petra but also, the easily achievable such as, try ten new foods, read two books monthly, deliver clothes to an orphanage, and perform 12 random acts of kindness.
Here’s my list.
Trips
1. African Safari
2. India (motorcycle ride to Himalayan Mtns.)
3. France/Italy (wine/food)
4. Belize (diving)
5. Costa Rica (Rain Forest)
6. Amazon Jungle
7. Galapagos Islands
8. Peru (Machu Picchu)
9. Southeast Asia (Vietnam, Cambodia)
10. New Zealand
11. Russia (Moscow, St. Petersburg)
12. Fiji
U.S. Destinations
13. Sun Valley (ski).
14. Wyoming (Yellowstone National Park).
15. New Orleans.
Adventure
16. Dune buggy ride in Baja desert.
17. Deep sea fishing (catch 50 lb.+).
18. Helicopter ride.
19. Kite surfing.
20. Sea plane ride.
21. Whitewater rafting in class III rapids.
22. Heli-skiing trip.
Purposeful
23. Impact the lives of more than 1 million men through books, online-courses, masterminds and boot camps.
24. Establish a charitable foundation promoting entrepreneurship among developing-world children.
2019 Annual List
1. Skydive indoors.
2. Ride a Segway (Grenada).
3. Swim 10 laps without being winded.
4. Wave rider.
5. Escape Room.
6. Throw a costume party (invite interesting people)
7. Read 24 books.
8. 10 new experiences.
9. Meditate daily.
10. Wake up 5 AM weekdays, complete morning routine.
11. 3 workouts back-to-back Saturdays (yoga, spin, core).
12. No Sex without 15 minutes of foreplay.
13. Gratitude/Appreciation texts weekly (family, friends).
14. Workouts weekly (H.I.I.T., Yoga, bike, weights).
15. Maintain body weight 185–190 pounds.
16. Talk to God daily.
17. Eliminate caffeine.
18. Eliminate refined sugar for 30 days.
19. No alcohol for 30 days.
20. Try acupuncture.
21. Napa/Sonoma Trip.
22. Try 12 new foods.
23. Prepare 10 new dishes.
24. Skiing/snowboarding/sledding trip (expose kids).
25. Bikes (teach girls to ride).
26. Boogie boards (teach girls).
27. Bike the 1.8-mile hill near my home, 3 times back-to-back.
28. Swim with the girls.
29. Quality time with parents (Barcelona)
30. Legoland annual pass with kids.
31. 12 random acts of kindness (prepay toll, etc.).
32. Serve others and include the girls (Orphanage).
For inspiration, refer to your list.
When struggling through challenging times, it offers reassurance, no matter how stressful life is, great adventure is in store.
Stewart Roberts: Father, husband, entrepreneur, angel investor, guest lecturer, board member, volunteer. Stewart worked for Morgan Stanley in New York City, co-founded TIX China, a Shanghai-based trading company; studied at Harvard and served as Orange County President of Tech Coast Angels. He has guest lectured at both UCLA’s Anderson School and USC’s Marshall School of Business. For eight years he served as a CASA mentor. Today, he leads men through life’s transitions with books, boot-camps, masterminds and online courses.
